When we hear the news about another person’s loss, we may not know what to say, or what can be done. We want to be helpful, yet we were never taught how to support another during grief.
I remember about three months after my dad died, I felt the urge to talk about him. I don’t know why it took three months. I thought this was supposed to happen at his memorial service, but it didn’t for me. Instead, at the memorial service I was numb, off-balance, and self-conscious. I put on a fake smile and endured. Three months later, when I finally did want to share my memories and my feelings about him, it felt too late.
I had friends around me who were willing to listen at the time of my dad’s death, but three months later, I felt too self-conscious to bring up my dad because wasn’t I supposed to be over it? Instead, I often pushed down the urge and dealt with the isolating feelings. I would really have appreciated a follow-up call or a check-in from a friend, specifically asking about my dad. That would have given me permission to share what I was bottling up inside me.
- Follow up. Grievers get a lot of attention following a loss, but people tend to forget after a few weeks. Be sure to give the griever a call or invite them to coffee to find out how they feel no matter how long ago the loss happened.
If you discover an acquaintance is grieving the recent death of a loved one or beloved pet, we may find ourselves saying what we’ve heard others say. For example, the following statements may sound appropriate and soothing, but they are actually invalidating the griever’s experience which is not helpful: “They’re in a better place.” “I know how you feel.” “It’ll take time.” “They wouldn’t want you to hurt.” “Be grateful you had them for so long.”
- Here are examples of comments that are helpful to someone grieving a loss:
“I have no idea what you’re feeling?” (The question tone at the end can allow the griever to tell you what they are feeling).
“I can’t imagine how painful/devastating/heartbreaking that must have been for you.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
And pause, be present, and give them plenty of time to assess what they want to share.
If there is time for a conversation, you can open the topic of the person’s loss by saying,
“I would like to hear your story about what happened.”
Follow-up questions might be:
“How did you find out?”
“What did the doctor say?”
“What was your relationship like?”
“What was your favorite thing about…?”
- In all cases, listen with your heart, not your head. Be in the present moment with them. Allow the person to express what they are feeling without interrupting, correcting, judging, or comparing. Silence is OK because often a grieving person is “swimming” in emotions or numbness. Grievers need someone to listen rather than to try and fix them.
- Ask if you can give the person a hug. And maybe you can share a personal memory of the person or pet who has died.
- Don’t be afraid to ask. In the case of someone you interact with almost daily, such as a co-worker, family member, or a friend, make a point of continuing the conversation by asking this type of question:
“I know we can’t talk for long before we need to go to the conference room/go pick up your daughter, but tell me what about your loss/memory/feeling that is catching your attention right now, or when you couldn’t sleep last night.”
- Have a code word. I remember reading a blog post of a family who experienced the death of their child. When any family member was experiencing overwhelming emotions they would say or text the code word “ouch,” meaning “I need support or a hug right now!” and family members would reach out as soon as they could.
- Help with creating a support group. No one should go through grief alone, and being the only member in the support group is not a good idea. A group of people can provide shared benefits, such as: recurring chores (meals, walking the dog) and big tasks (mortuary visits, sorting through rooms), along with consistent emotional support. It’s possible that part of their support group could even be keeping a personal journal.
Everyone reacts differently to loss because we all are unique. Also, we all are individuals who can have mixed feelings about different aspects of a loss all at the same time. Conforming to set stages or timelines of grief is unrealistic. So, remember to listen with your heart, not your head. Allow the expression of feelings without judgment.
If you’re experiencing a recent or unresolved loss and any of these suggestions sound good to you, share these suggestions and ask those around you to engage in them with you. Most likely your friends and family are probably “at a loss” of how they can help and will welcome the suggestions.